120 million year-old
          fossilized dinosaur turd
            (dump from a Jurassic meat-eater) 
   As the First American Pope, I will infallibly mandate that:
  At birth, every citizen will be given a pocket-sized piece of fossilized dinosaur turd which he or she – by law – must carry at all times during their entire life.
    Further, five times a day – in the manner of Muslim faithful – each American citizen will be required to examine their 120 million year-old piece of dinosaur turd during which time they will ask the unknown power behind the vast and unlimited universe, "Just who do I think I am?"
     Finally, upon reaching adulthood, ALL journalists, religious leaders, educators, physicians, therapists, MBAs, and elected officials will be required to go about with a one-pound hunk of dino dung hanging from their necks by a red velvet rope.